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May 24, 2013

My mind and its emotions have been on mute for a while there. It’s difficult to know if they’ve been suppressed, or if I’ve been dealing with them so well that there actually was no need to write them down. Still haven’t purged since that one day that I flipped a switch. Also haven’t been drinking. It’s almost weird how easy it all has been.

I’ve made a point to talk to my boyfriend more. When huge things boil up inside me, I can intercept them and talk to him. That’s probably important in keeping this up. Since I’m in the middle of an internship, working all day, moving around a lot, not having time to focus on counting calories, I’ve actually lost a lot of weight. This weight is at a stable 125 lbs for the first time in lord knows how long.
It’s been much lower, and higher, but it was never stable.

For the first time ever, weekends aren’t dreaded as an empty hole in which I would fall. The empty hole that I would need to fill with crap, fatty and “forbidden” foods, and purge afterwards. Weekends are just a time to relax, make smoothies and take my time to work for school. Things are working themselves out in my life, and I can feel the beneficial influence of this.
I’m also not afraid of my weight, the diet I’m at now consists of three or four meals a day and healthy snacks. It’s quickly become a habit, and an easy and constructive one to maintain with that. It was never like that in the past. My body is in the best shape it’s been in a long ass time. Just a few months ago I still had bleach white eyelids on the inside, an anemic symptom that forced me to take iron supplements and stuff. None of that is needed anymore; I just have a kiwi and smile.

Still, many things are being cleaned out of my body and its metabolism. It’s only been a little over a month since I last got drunk, and I still think a part of me isn’t entirely balanced yet because of the booze. The stability of my mood still needs to biochemically nest itself in my neurological system.
I do feel much more healthy, energetic and constant than I think I ever have.

Just thought I’d update that here.

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Cake

March 3, 2013

I had a nap this afternoon, after which I woke up with a stinging feeling in my throat. Suddenly, for a split second, I listened to my body. Paid attention to what it was telling me. It felt like I was pretty well fucked. Muscle ache, throat ache, tongue ache, tooth ache, belly ache, everything ache. When did this all start? And how come I never felt any of this as it started? A big part of the confusion was that I could tell these little aches had been there the whole time. And they went away when I stopped focusing on them. But as soon as I listened for them, they were back.

This is still the case, but how do I function or sleep while listening for aches? It’s not like any of these have any kind of fixing. So I don’t listen, I just dabble on.
I’m at the ass end of my period, and my spirits are down. I don’t want to be here. Away from my boyfriend, away from where I want to be and what I want to do. I’m so sick of this. It needs to happen but I’m so sick.

I really need to break this down into attainable goals. This internship is just two more weeks. After that, I’m enrolled in a two-week international program with workshops and lots of fun, basically. Then I get a break. A break from all this. A break from life as I know it, a break from responsibility. I get to escape and breathe.

Breathe.