Liver

Apparently we’re having liver for lunch. Generally, I’m extremely well trained to know all calories in foods off the top of my head. I can see a plate, and count the calories up to 50 cal precision. But liver? Liver is a new one.
I couldn’t help but look it up on Google. I had to know. 116 cal for 100 gr. That’s not exaggerated.

This has been a very difficult week for me. For us, as a couple. My partner got drunk on Thursday and failed to get to me because of it, and it felt like a dagger to my heart. He did tell me honestly pretty much immediately though (of course he was AWOL for 10 hours first), and that soothed a lot of my emotions.

Slowly, I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that I won’t see him for another two weeks. It was tempting to eat, to purge, even to cut. I haven’t wanted to cut myself in over 9 years. I didn’t think that would ever return to me. Him being off the grid was an unbearable situation that made me want to rip the skin off my bones, scratch my belly until I could touch my pelvic bone. I wanted to run into a wall, feel so much physical pain that I would feel nothing. There is something incredibly comforting about bruises and their pain. It’s a dull, deaf pain of a wound inside, under your skin. And it leaves no scars.

I don’t know why I can’t stand it. My attachment to him is one I’ve never had. It’s a relatively safe one, one I can’t function without. In my terms, that’s healthy. His love has never faltered, been lessened or been confusing. It’s always irrevocably there.
When I don’t know where he is, or under what circumstances, it’s very difficult to keep my composure. His cell phone isn’t the most reliable thing either, and he usually turns it off when he’s drinking. I felt more powerless and panicked than I had in a very long time.

I ended up eating ice cream and using cookies for a scoop last night. I hadn’t eaten much yet that day, so it felt okay to indulge. I promised him, and myself, that I wouldn’t purge anymore, so I didn’t. I kept it in, but plotted how I would make up for it.

My breakfast this morning was a huge can of green beans with one spoon of mayonnaise. I couldn’t finish it. Half of it I threw away in the toilet, because I didn’t want my parents to wonder why I was wasting food. Why I can’t just eat like a normal person, with the family. The truth is, I can’t. Not right now. Facing them is worse than standing on a scale, or looking at myself in the mirror.
I had told myself that eating liver seemed safe, but they are downstairs eating right now, and I’m pretending to be resting. I don’t want to sit at a table. I don’t want to eat.

Today I can hopefully stick to fruit and vegetables.

Nurse

I’m officially a nurse. I can’t believe it.

My diet is still going strong. Amazing, really, how that changed. And how easy it’s all been, though I never thought I’d be able to do it. My daily routine is this;

• Breakfast: bread with peanut butter and/or jam, or some leftovers from the night before warmed up. Yes, for breakfast, I love something warm en salty, like Chinese food or pasta. Maybe I’m weird, but breakfast is an important meal.
• Lunch: two pieces of bread, sometimes 3. Maybe some soup or yoghurt and a piece of fruit.
• 4 PM: snacktime! I usually go with yoghurt, fruit, warmed up vegetable (I can eat an entire steamed zucchini with a dash of cheese, nommm) or some raw carrots (good for skin, hair and overall health).
• Dinner: a modest plate of whatever. Sometimes I grab a second serving if my snack was small or I had a very active afternoon.
• 10 PM: snacktime! Plain popcorn (I buy kernels and pop them in the microwave myself, no salt, no butter) or raw carrots with yoghurt.

Calories still haunt me, don’t get me wrong. But my body is nourished, and it makes all the difference. When I had a heavy lunch, I’ll skip the 4 PM snack. But I’ll also legitimately not be hungry, so it evens out.

I’m happy.

Routine

Day three of eating like a normal human being. Still not the normalest of shits, so I guess my body is still very much getting used to this. But I haven’t gained weight, not in the least. It starts there.

Tonight there’s an awesome oldschool techno party, and I really really want to go. Hopefully some of my friends will go along, otherwise I might go on my own and see who I bump into. The choice for total abstinence has been so logical, so natural, that it doesn’t even feel like I need it. At all. At first I was nervous, that I might not be comfortable around people sober, that I might not be the loud mouthed giggling person I am usually. I was astounded to find I was more comfortable sober. I could talk, and say things that mattered. I could listen, truly. I could make humane decisions, I didn’t get weird unidentified bruises on my legs. Yo!
It doesn’t scare me to go out, because I did the day before yesterday and I was fine. Now I know I can do it, and that it’s rewarding. People will probably react very poorly to my not drinking, especially my friends from that scene. The ones who go out to bars mostly, or concerts, they use drugs but they’re more mellow and doing their own thing. The ones who go clubbing and dancing are generally more abrasive, and might be fucked up enough to give me shit about it. I don’t go for drugs. I don’t go for booze. I go for the music, and for dancing. That’s it. And I’ll have a ball even if I have to do it on my own.

Luckily the host of the party is an Irish friend I know pretty well, and I’ll probably just hang out with the Irish clan in my town. Sure, they drink (I mean, I don’t even know why I have to clarify that) but they’re also really nice. They won’t give me shit, they’ll understand. They don’t do too much drugs, and they don’t use drugs for the sake of it. Their ultimate goal is always to just have fun, not the whole getting fucked up routine.

In 45 minutes it’s time for lunch. I’m nervous. Yesterday I suddenly ate quite a bit, and I dread falling into that same trap. I eat a lot of carrots and cucumbers, but at some point you need some variation, right? I don’t know what I can eat without needing to worry about the calories. Baked potatoes, maybe there’s some leftover from last night’s dinner. It takes a long time to cook, so I can’t just make that if there’s none left. Maybe a hard boiled egg? Should stuff me, right?
Broth could also be a good filler, without really bringing anything to the table (pun!).

Mom and I are also going to a supercheap store later, ’cause I want to buy an oversized hoodie for tonight. I just want to wear a hoodie, a legging en flat leather boots. I’ll be comfortable in that, my body isn’t visible, and I can just dance all night without a worry. That’s my plan.
Grey hoodie and dark green legging, that’d be a nice combo, I think. I’m sure they’ll have it, and at a preposterously low price, too. Maybe a nice scarf, while we’re at it. And salt microwave popcorn, they only sell it over there. WHY. Though soon one of those is opening up very near to my house, it’s a chain and it’s finally expanding. That’s really awesome.

Time for lunch. So nervous.